I didn’t know slapping had powerful impact until my friend related his experiences. And why won’t it be powerful and memorable experience when he has been occasionally at receiving end. It has left an imprint on his memory that can never be erased.
Let me relate it in his own words:
Life was beautiful until mom told that any girl slapping me first time today will be my life partner. I was very happy. I wouldn’t really mind being slapped once, I thought. A soft hand will slap softly. On that day, I did get slapped but that left a gap between my teeth that can never be filled. The gap in life is still unfulfilled.
ME: OMG! How cruel.
HE: No, that’s alright. I didn’t mind neither being slapped or losing teeth. But the girl walked away. She was just practising her karate shot. When I asked her about marriage, she gave me the royal black belt treatment. I then forgot about marriage. I learnt East to West face swing and back. My neck does a 180 degrees swing in a jiffy.
ME: Sad, very sad. And I thought girls were gentle by nature and handling. But she handed you a heavy dose.
That was nothing. The next one thought my cheek was like another hand and she wanted to clap. She gave me such a tight one that for days people thought I had grown a tomato on my right cheek. Mom actually wanted to pluck it. Like Spiderman or Batman, I became a Tomatoman.
ME: Interesting. Very interesting.
HE: It would have been interesting were it not painful. Then there was another girl, who thought my cheek was as cushiony as Dunlop pillow and she wanted to land her hand on it. Except the landing was not smooth. It slipped to my lips and for days I had to believe in ‘mum’ to be the word. I could hardly open my mouth. My lips were sealed.
ME: That was very cute. Only a kiss can seal lips but she sealed yours with her hands. Wow.
HE: She was a boxing champion. If I only knew it earlier.
ME: Oh! How could she do that to you? Life is not a boxing ring when you could have ended in giving her a wedding ring.
: No, never. I shudder to think of my rest of the life. One of the girls sat on my lap and was interested in making a world map on my face. Before she could do that, she took a cat nap and I escaped.
ME: That was too mean. But you did enjoy when she sat on your lap.
HE: You crazy! She was a wrestling champion. I almost crumpled under her weight. Thank God she fell asleep soon or else I could imagine being slapped hard and fast.
ME: Poor guy! You never met a straight girl.
HE: What do you mean? All these girls were “straight”. They were not gay or lesbians. You are nuts!
ME: I am sorry. By straight, I meant normal.
Normal! I am still figuring that out. I forgot to tell you about that rock star. She went on a date with me and started playing rap on my cheeks. She was giving a live performance throughout the evening. By the time I reached home, my face was bloated up as if bees had stung me. For days I couldn’t open my eyes.
ME: That’s terrible, too terrible. I wish no one undergoes such an experience on his date.
HE: No, never. It was too humiliating. To get beaten up and still end up paying the bill. But there was no way out. I was the perfect gentleman. Except she was no pretty woman.
ME: How I wish I could do something for you on this front. Did you end up finding the dream ‘slap’ woman as your mom predicted?
HE: I almost did. She was exactly how I had always dreamt of my dream woman. Except she liked to tap me everywhere on my face. So much so, my nose started free flowing like a tap. I didn’t mind that too. But her pooch wished to wrap his tail around me. She liked that. I protested. She could wrap herself around me but not her dog. She was upset and tapped me hard on my head. That left me zapped. She left. I finally came to my senses.
ME: That was equally bad. But how did you come to your senses? Were you not in your senses till then?
You are right for once. I have realized I am quite merry being a bachelor than be slapped to marry.